


Once More

by Nikita



Series: Once More [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: AU, Bonding, Canon character deaths, Flashbacks, Love that spans the universes, Lust, M/M, Pon Farr, Romance, Secrets, Suicide Attempt, Yearning!Original Spock, confused!McCoy, mention of canon mind rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-18
Updated: 2013-08-20
Packaged: 2017-12-23 21:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/931258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikita/pseuds/Nikita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarek held up a hand to quiet the defensive retort, "I would not pry except for what must be obvious to you by now. You are going through the early stages of Pon Farr."</p><p>Spock's eyebrows rose to his hairline. "I am 155 earth years and I have not experienced the Pon Farr for many cycles, I am beyond the need to mate or die."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Previously posted at the Spock/McCoyote's Den. I'm currently editing and reposting. This story is complete, but going through a few corrections. I will post as I finish it. I have a sequel I may or may not post, not completely happy with how it turned out (quite a bit of violence in that one). 
> 
> This story focuses primarily on the past Spock/McCoy from TOS and a new relationship between Spock Prime/and new McCoy. Just FYI.
> 
> On the technical side // denotes either mental communication or Older Spock’s unintentional projecting.

Ambassador Spock stood on the roof of the capital building of the New Vulcan colony and viewed the efficient building plans being carried out by the survivors of Vulcan I (as some of the colonists were calling it or 'the old Vulcan' as the Starfleet aides referred to it). Whatever the colony would eventually be called, Vulcan II or New Vulcan, Spock had few doubts that it would be successful. After all, Vulcans were a hardy race, used to living in a harsh climate and overcoming their barbaric emotional warring past to become the peaceful scientific and logic based people that they had become.

There were a few worries, though, losing their home planet, even for the pureblooded Vulcans was a devastating event and there were a few slips in emotional control amongst the younger survivors. Ambassador Spock was relieved that there were still a few Elder survivors rescued by this universe's Spock that were able to provide their wisdom and knowledge in helping to keep such raw emotion under control and remind their people that they must NOT revert back to the _old ways_ as they put it.

The teachings of Surak must be continued and the understandable hatred and anger against even the mention of Romulans must be understood as illogical. The work of Nero was that of one lone Romulan in the future acting on his own base desires and need for revenge – even so it would take some time that logic to truly penetrate for the survivors of New Vulcan. Spock found he preferred the title New Vulcan for the colony as it helped him separate it from recollections of his own home planet still existing in a universe he could never return to...

Spock shook his head; it was becoming progressively more difficult to focus his thoughts in the past few days. He was increasingly reminded of old memories, old feelings just barely beneath the surface of his control at times. It was worrisome. His father had died after suffering for years of Bendii, could these be the first symptoms surfacing? Or perhaps some other effect of being in a universe in which he did not belong? He wished he had someone he fully trusted in confiding his fears, but he had kept himself somewhat aloof from the other Elders of the colony, and they were busy enough. His own father was there and they had spoken, but any conversation on this matter would reveal Sarek's own impending medical fate should he live as long as his own father had in his universe.

Besides which...he had always been a private man, even for a Vulcan, McCoy had been most frustrated at his lack of communication or cooperation in confiding emotional or medical difficulties in his own universe //... _Leonard_...// A sudden surge of grief overtook him and Spock turned away from his place on the roof and hurried down the stairs and the long dark corridors to his quarters. Shutting the door with more force than strictly necessary, he pressed his back on it as if he could shut out the grief by barring the door with his body. It was futile.

Minutes passed, they felt like hours in his grief, but he suddenly snapped out of himself when he heard soft footsteps on the corridor outside. Pushing away from the door, he quickly checked a small dusty mirror to see if there were any signs of emotional disturbance on his face, but he had to school his features back to their usual calm. There was a soft knock on the door.

"Enter," he said, grateful his voice did not tremble.

Sarek opened the door, but did not cross the threshold into the room. He stood, hands behind his back, surveying Spock.

"May I ask what it is you want?" Spock asked harsher than he had meant to. His father was one of the very few people on the current planet that he almost feared could see past his mental shields. To see into his mind without touching him, but he knew it was impossible unless he, Spock, were projecting. Touch was to be avoided if at all possible, especially in his current mental state, Spock reminded himself. It was still odd after all these months to see his father as a younger man than himself.

Sarek merely turned slightly, indicating Spock should follow him, "The Elders and other council members wish to speak together and have requested your presence as well, and I was merely coming to inform you."

Spock raised an eyebrow and glanced at the perfectly functioning comm system and Sarek followed his gaze, but said nothing. Spock waited until Sarek stepped further into the corridor and then exited his own room. They walked the corridors towards the conference room far too closely for Spock's comfort, but both maintained silence. Spock knew there were many questions his father wished to ask this far older version of his son, but Vulcan stoicism had its advantages in situations like these.

"What is the topic of the meeting?" he finally asked, finding the silence oppressive.

Sarek glanced quickly at him. "I should think you would have sensed it already, but it is a topic best discussed in the privacy of the conference room," he nodded toward one Starfleet engineer that squeezed past them on his way to some volunteer duty.

*****

On board the newly restored and once again pristine Enterprise NCC 1701, Kirk surveyed the bridge crew with a proud smile. The Old Spock was right about a lot of things and one of them was just how well the crew got along and settled in once they'd had some more routine missions. Sulu had proven a great work out partner, teaching him more about how important the art of fencing could be, Chekov was good for overly excited lectures (especially on how Russia had invented everything - an odd quirk that Kirk decided to ignore) and now that he'd finally decided to let up on his flirtation with Uhura, both she and Spock were far less tense in their interactions with him and were warming up to what could be almost friendship.

Then again, Kirk _had_ suggested a game of chess with Spock later that evening and while the Vulcan didn't outright laugh in his face about the idea of being a worthy opponent, he had shown a hint of a smile come to think of it. Uhura actually had just chuckled. Maybe he should go back to flirting...just to wipe some of that smugness off their faces. Jim smiled to himself - he had a feeling he could surprise Spock again if the Kobayashi Maru was any indicator.

The turbolift opened behind him, and Kirk turned his chair slightly to see a concerned McCoy glance at Spock's back at the science station before deliberately walking casually over to the captain's chair.

"I need to speak with you, Jim," and though he said it in an ordinary tone, Kirk felt Spock's eyes suddenly on the back of his neck.

"In private?"

"Yes, it's a....personal matter," McCoy deliberately did not look in Spock's direction. Damn it, was there going to be some tension between the two again? There'd been times over the past few missions that while they went successfully, McCoy and Spock had been on the opposite of nearly every debate and ethical dilemma and while most of the time it was amusing, Jim would really prefer them not to become enemies. It had been hard enough for him to get along with Spock at first, which was an understatement, he knew, but surely his Chief Medical Officer and First Officer could get along better?

"Very well, it's actually time for my break, anyway, you have the conn, Mr. Spock," and he and McCoy headed to the turbolift.

Spock's eyes watched them coolly as he rose and replaced him. It was going to be one of those days, wasn't it?

Kirk sighed.

*****

The conference room was already full of the Elders and a few of the more experienced Ambassadors and other Vulcans who had been off world at the time of the planet's destruction. Sarek and Spock slid into their seats and T'Pau began. "It has not escaped the notice of the council that a change has begun to occur amongst the younger survivors of our colony," she said in a dispassionate voice.

Spock glanced around the room and saw at least one Vulcan adjust himself slightly in his chair. Their faces were impassive to the ordinary alien observer, but from his point of view Spock could not help but smile inwardly at the meaning of the small adjustments. It was the equivalent of humans blushing and coughing in embarrassment and Kirk and McCoy would have laughed had they known just how such a simple statement could cause such chagrin amongst adult Vulcans. Kirk and McCoy - when he thought of those two he always thought of _'his'_ Kirk and McCoy - the ones from his own universe. He wondered briefly how the ones in this universe were doing before returning his attention to T'Pau's statement.

Yes, there had definitely been a change - a biological and possibly emotional change in the younger survivors. Bonds had been severed suddenly in the evacuation where many bondmates died, while one survived, the staggering loss of so many were bound to put many of the surviving mates in emotional upheaval and in need of what few healers were left.

And then there was the staggering loss of Vulcan population. Biological imperative had kicked in and new bonds were forming at an alarming rate amongst the younger survivors. New attachments and requests for ceremonies were overwhelming those put in charge of such matters. But it was not only the youth that felt the need, his own father had put in a request only yesterday for a new bond with a Vulcan woman scientist, T'Pual, she was younger than Amanda had been at her death. Spock couldn't help but wonder what his own counterpart thought of it. Did he see the logic in the sudden need to repopulate or did he feel, as even the older Spock did, that Sarek was bonding a bit quickly and with a younger woman.... and a pure blooded Vulcan one at that? It might disturb his counterpart that Sarek had chosen a Vulcan this time around. Obviously a full blooded Vulcan off-spring was to be hoped for.

But Spock was an old enough man now that it did not bother him as much as it might bother his younger self.   He had seen his own mother die of old age and Sarek had married a far younger human woman later in life named Perrin. But then, that had been another love match, and another human woman. This time Sarek himself was marrying mainly for biological need, or so Spock understood it. He had met the young lady in question and she seemed suitable for Sarek.

T'Pau glanced amongst the older Vulcans, "We have anticipated the biological urges will grow stronger with time, especially amongst the older survivors." T'Pau did not look at Sarek, but he knew that she had approved his decision and was overseeing the ceremony herself in three days. "What is of concern, however, is how few healers we have left on the planet, they are already overextended as it is. We estimate we will need at least a dozen more healers to deal with the births alone. And then there is...the Pon Farr.” Her eyes turned to each one in the room now, making sure she had their full attention and understanding of the gravity of the situation. "Never before have Offworlders known of the Pon Farr, but it has become increasingly difficult to keep the Starfleet volunteers from witnessing symptoms."

Spock's eyebrow lifted at that. It was true, a few of the younger men had gone into Pon Farr out of cycle recently and resulted in small demonstrations of emotion, but he doubted that the Starfleet volunteers thought they were witnessing any emotional behavior out of character from a people who had lost their planet in recent events. Besides, his symptoms had only become apparent to Kirk and McCoy in his own universe because he was so far away from his bonded and he’d denied the symptoms too long.

Here the chance and ability to bond was far easier and any symptoms must surely be far less noticeable. _//He was suddenly reliving the memories of his Pon Farr - the madness, the anger at Nurse Chapel's interference and seeing McCoy...the rest of the incident - the refusal by T'Pring, fighting Kirk, all of these were a blur to him even now, but what had happened after..._ //

A brief brush of a fingertip at his hand on the table snapped him out of his reverie. Spock glanced down, but Sarek's hand was nowhere near his anymore. Spock flushed and then just as quickly composed his features again. He listened to the rest of T'Pau's concerns and the need for some solution to their encroaching problems.

All eyes turned to Spock now. He was still surprised; even after all these months of the Elders and the rest of the council deferring to him in such dilemmas. He still felt as if he was a Starfleet officer, and an unorthodox Ambassador to Romulus...he had never been fully accepted by the Vulcan council in his own universe much less his own father until his death and even then the knowledge had been given to him by Picard, not his father himself.

Now he was considered a leader amongst his people, **he** , **Spock** //the outcast half-breed//. Old feelings of resentment resurfaced for a moment, but he squashed the emotion and cleared his throat.

He shared his thoughts on Starfleet personal not noticing the early stages of Pon Farr, he also tried to persuade them that the secret could not be kept forever, especially with their new circumstances, but he did possibly know of a way to keep the matter as quiet as possible for as long as possible.

"And just what do you propose?" T'Pau asked, her own eyebrows rose, waiting for another one of his unorthodox ideas.

"Not what, but whom. I know of a Starfleet Medical professional who may be able and willing to aide us in dealing with the situation and keeping the matter discrete. He will obviously need to bring more medical personnel, but I am sure once I have been able to discuss the matter with him it will be possible to keep the Pon Farr from becoming something of a cosmic joke."

Spock understood well why the Pon Farr must be kept as quiet as possible. Vulcan had lost a great deal of its identity and dignity already, they were a proud people, whether they admitted to such an emotional condition or not. // _He hated the idea of alien people in seedy bars telling jokes of rutting Vulcans acting like animals_ //...he felt the anger surge up again and his temples throbbed. Sarek didn't touch him this time, but Spock felt a faint mental brush against his mind - the touch before had been enough to reopen their parental bond:

// _Spock we must talk, alone, now...excuse yourself to your quarters and I will follow as soon as possible_. //

Spock resented his father's orders. Even at the age of 155, his 93-year-old father was telling him to go to his room.

Spock ignored his father's orders and told the council of his idea and only once the short, but fierce debate had ended by T'Pau's final reluctant acceptance of his solution did he excuse himself, ostensibly to begin preparations.

He walked as swiftly as he could to his quarters then and locked them, an unusual commodity for any Vulcan to possess, but he had felt the increased need for privacy lately and installed one for just such an occasion as his door sensors registered someone trying to enter the room without even knocking or using the chimes. His father, no doubt. Spock felt an occasion of what human's call déjà vu - in his childhood he had often run off for refuge where his father was unlikely to find him simply to avoid confrontations.

There was a knock this time, then another, more insistent. Every fiber of Spock's being _screamed_ that he wanted to be alone, to rest, to...to do something, though what he didn't know...but it was better done in privacy and he knew if he opened the door to his father they may exchange words they would regret.

And there was no Amanda to soothe those words and end the altercation. The death of his mother hit him full force as if it had just happened in front of him as it had for his younger counterpart, he felt tears running down his face. What loss of control was this? Was he somehow experiencing the young Spock's grief? Impossible, the Enterprise was nowhere near the colony at the moment and his shields...

The knocking ended and Spock's comm unit chimed. Spock took a deep breath and regained his control before finally answering it.

"Ambassador Spock."

"Spock, you know full well it is your father on the other side of this door, It is urgent I speak with you, open the door before I disable the lock." The last words were spoken just above a whisper, but conveyed the full level of contempt he felt at having to resort to such words.

Spock raised an eyebrow at the threat, but simply unlocked the mechanism without a word, returning to sit on the edge of his bed. "Very well, sir, what is it you wish to speak to me about?"

Sarek's eyes narrowed, but he took a seat in the only chair in the room and shook his head. "Spock...it is so odd to sit here with my son and yet not my son...I do not know our relationship in the other universe -” 

"It is likely much the same here, you disapproved greatly of my choice of Starfleet and the rejection of the Vulcan Science Academy - you did not speak to me for many years until you were escorted on board the Enterprise for a mission. We were never as close as my mother would have wished, but then she did have rather unrealistic human expectations as you once told me." Spock immediately regretted the remark.

Sarek quietly absorbed this and glanced away at the mention of Amanda. "Spock told me of your recommendation that he remains in Starfleet and I agree it is likely the correct decision. I have perhaps been...unrealistic in my own expectations. May I ask - did you explore your human side in your own universe? To the extent my son seems to be doing now?"

Ah, the relationship with Uhura. Yes, Spock was indeed perplexed by his counterpart's relationship, it had quickly swept the ship and from there to New Vulcan that Spock openly touched and even kissed the girl in plain view of the human crew. It was something that would NEVER have happened on his own Enterprise.

Spock coughed and covered his embarrassment at the thought by sipping water from a nearby glass of water. "No, I was not...certainly not at his age, acting on my human emotions. In fact, I was frequently teased by my colleagues and one even said I was trying to 'out Vulcan the Vulcans.'" It took many, many years for me to accept my human side as a part of myself, though I never showed anything like your Spock's disregard for Starfleet regulations regarding public displays of affection, not to mention my bonding with T'Pring."

Sarek leaned forward at that, "You went through with the bonding, then? Did you have offspring?"

Spock wondered if his father was hoping that somewhere out there he had 3/4 Vulcan grandchildren to carry on the line. It was almost regrettable to have to 'burst his bubble' as Jim would have put it. "I was willing to go through with the bonding...I had no choice, the Pon Farr came upon me suddenly and due to my human heritage. I had no idea when or even if I would experience it, but when it occurred I returned to Vulcan to fulfill my vows."

His father watched him raptly, never had he felt such focus of his father's attentions on him...it was something to be feared as a child, but as an adult...he would have welcomed it in a positive, equal discussion such as now.

"It was T'Pring who backed out at the last moment...I nearly died. She had a lover Stonn...she picked Jim Kirk to be her challenger...I do not wish to go into the details, but suffice to say she got her wish and I managed to return to Starfleet as the Captain survived as well." He was leaving an enormous amount out of the story and he knew Sarek must be extremely confused as to how Spock had survived, but he must see in Spock's body language that no further discussion was going to occur on the topic as he stood up from the bed and went to the small window to look out on the courtyard bellow.

Spock should have known the discussion would not end there, though. "I will not pry further into your private life in the other universe concerning your bonding and life decisions after T'Pring's refusal, but I must ask you - did you leave behind a mate?"

Spock turned back to him, his breathing elevated. "You said you would not pry further - it is none of your business, but no, I have - I had no mate to leave behind. My work kept me traveling a great deal and my human half has aided me in my desire for solitude. There is no mate living on the other side for me to grieve for if that is what you are hinting at."

Sarek held up a hand to quiet the defensive retort, "I would not pry except for what must be obvious to you by now. You are going through the early stages of Pon Farr."

Spock's eyebrows rose to his hairline. "I am 155 earth years and I have not experienced the Pon Farr for many cycles, I am beyond the need to mate or die."

Sarek shook his head, "I know you have not missed the signs, though you may be ignoring them or misreading them as grief for the loss of your life in your own universe and the loss of our planet in this one...your control when I first met you was amazing. I do not believe my own Spock will ever reach nor wish to reach that level of control any longer as he has chosen a human mate. But now, increasingly, it has become obvious to me...and to a few others that your emotional control is slipping. Your shields are weakening at moments of great stress and I have no doubt if I could find a healer free to see you right now they would confirm my suspicions. Your proximity to the survivors and your continued existence in this universe with our need to biologically replace our population is affecting you."

Spock stiffened and realized he had indeed been in denial; his father was most likely right. His small losses in control, his sudden surges of emotional responses to memories of...he needed to be alone, **now**.

"Perhaps you are right...I will take it under consideration. You will forgive me, but I must now return to my work - I promised the council I would implement my plan," he walked his father to the doorway.

Sarek refused to be brushed off so easily, and stopped the door from opening automatically. "You cannot ignore the Pon Farr, Spock; I do not need to tell you this, surely. You must find a mate and soon. I will rush your ceremony papers through as soon as you name her. It is imperative to your health."

Spock, desperate to get him out of his quarters simply nodded and opened the door himself. "I will inform you of my wishes as soon as possible, thank you." With that he all, but pushed his father out the door and then rushed to his terminal. Taking yet another deep breath and waiting until he regained his composure, he requested a secure line.

"Spock to Enterprise."

*****

Jim Kirk shook head, not in denial, but as if he had water in his ears. "What the - is this some sort of a practical joke, Bones?" Kirk waited for rest of McCoy's medical staff to jump out from hiding places and point fingers at him laughing and saying 'gotcha, Captain!’ but no such thing happened. Instead McCoy pulled out some of his stash of bourbon. "No jokes and this goes no further than this room. I have been released from my doctor/patient privilege in order to tell you only, got it? This comes from Vulcan II or New Vulcan or whatever the hell they are calling it and it is strictly confidential. I'm one of only a handful of Starfleet personnel that know about this and I'm trusting you to keep your mouth shut and no remarks to Uhura."

"What about Spock?" Jim asked. He sipped at the bourbon, but it wasn't his drink of choice and Bones knew it. Give him a good Saurian bandy any day.

"Don't mention anything to Spock, either...this is...well, this is from Old Spock - Ambassador Spock, whatever you want to call him. He said his 'counterpart is not to be disturbed with the matter.' I scanned him as I passed him in the hallway earlier and I didn't detect anything off base from his usual readings so it doesn’t appear to be affecting him. Ambassador Spock told me that he didn’t experience the symptoms until midway through our original voyage. Hopefully, that’ll remain the same, but if you see any of the symptoms I’ve described – comm me at once.” McCoy took a swig of his bourbon and sighed.

“Anyway, I need you to cover my reason for absence for the next few weeks...I'm not sure how long I'll be gone. I need to learn quite a good deal before I even get there and then I'll be training new healers as well on the colony - apparently your buddy, alternate-universe-Spock, has given me quite a reputation. Just what did you tell him about me, anyway?"

Jim smirked, "I didn't mention you except that you've saved my ass on occasion and that we were friends. I think he's thinking of his own alternate universe McCoy - apparently we three were good friends as time went by."

McCoy sputtered on his drink, "Friends? With that green blooded hobgoblin? That pointy eared - I may have thought he had potential at first, but after he nearly killed you by abandoning you on that ice planet with those monsters...!" When McCoy had heard of Kirk’s ordeals on the planet he’d confronted Spock on the issue – at great volume to the delight of the crewmembers who overheard it. The doctor had supported Spock on that issue of leaving Kirk off the ship, but he’d had no idea what kind of danger Spock had subjected him to.

"Which led me to Ambassador Spock so actually he did us all a favor," Kirk said quietly knowing nothing was stopping McCoy now that he'd started.

"…and not to mention all the damn times he's argued every damn thing that comes out of my mouth on every mission we take - he's constantly quoting his beloved Starfleet regulations and logic and not listening...."

Jim rolled his eyes and repressed the urge to mention the pot calling the kettle black, but luckily McCoy took a deep breath and finished his bourbon with finality and stopped ranting on his own.

"But be that as it may - I'm going to be stuck on a planet full of these infuriating and insufferable people so I need whatever support I can get from you to keep your promise. Keep Spock out of this and Uhura, too. Apparently proximity to the colony could have adverse effects and Ambassador Spock doesn't want him near the situation and I agree. The older Spock is actually a lot easier to talk to, thank goodness."

Jim felt just a tiny surge of jealousy. "You talked to him personally?"

"He's the one that opened contact with Starfleet through me and my mission is to be kept secret. I've chosen a select few of my medical personnel to join me. Starfleet's sending you temporary replacements and I made sure they were up to par, not to worry. We're taking a shuttle to whatever ship they send us in two days - they'll be taking us to the colony and I’m not sure exactly how long I’ll be gone."

Jim was very disappointed that because of Spock aboard he could not visit the colony himself, but if the Older Spock really felt it was necessary...but then he had lied before hadn't he? Oh well, it had turned out for the best then and he still trusted Ambassador Spock had their best interests still in mind. He just wished he could help himself rather than just sending McCoy.

****

Spock sat in his quarters and struggled to meditate. It was becoming increasingly difficult, but he was sure he would be able to maintain his equilibrium and shields for as long as it was needed. Starfleet’s ship was on its way and while the Elders had questioned his choice at first, they now saw the logic of his argument – Starfleet must know about the Pon Farr if there was to be any unforeseen complications and as long as it was kept within security clearance only at Starfleet Medical the secrecy of their biological needs could be maintained within the general population of Offworlders.

And with that goal in mind the Starfleet Engineering and other specialty volunteers were slowly leaving the colony. They had accomplished an amazing amount of work in what time and resources they had to spare. But now they could return to other urgent matters such as rebuilding their fleet and being with their own families.

Earth had been spared Vulcan’s fate and a great number of humans were well aware of that second chance and had longed to return home to appreciate that, but only after they had helped the less fortunate Vulcans. Spock realized that this might form an even tighter bond between Human/Vulcan relations. Perhaps good things could come out of such a terrible disaster. Sarek had always had difficulty in getting the two races to see eye to eye on certain matters; perhaps things would be easier now. This alternate reality was pulling further and further away from the one he had come from and the fact brought forth what he could only identify as sadness.

Spock stood up and brushed his robes free of sand. It was useless with the ship on the way he simply could not focus at the moment. His own emotions were overcoming him with sadness and even anger. He would do better to try and rest – he would meditate later.

****

McCoy grimaced as the shuttle landed with a rather ungraceful thump. The shuttle pilot was less than competent and the doctor would be damned sure his superiors knew it before the little pissant left the colony. His medical supplies had better not be damaged; they were all likely lucky to have made it to the damn planet intact. McCoy was in the midst of balling out said unfortunate ensign when he heard a throat being cleared from behind him where the open door stood.

“Dr. McCoy, if you are quite finished with Ensign Wood perhaps we might speak?” Ambassador Spock asked with an ironic brow raised.

Leonard could also see a small hint of a smile on the old man visage. Damn it – a great way to start a mission. McCoy wasn’t one to roll over as easy as that, however. He nodded curtly to the Vulcan then turned back to the quaking Ensign and stabbed a finger near his face.

“You keep your hands off the controls and help out with the supplies, and if one instrument has so much as a scratch on it you can be sure you won’t be cleared for duty next physical.” Straightening, he tugged his shirt in place and turned nonchalantly to the Older Spock.

“ _Now_ I’m finished. And now – you and I have a LOT to talk about, I presume. Where can we speak undisturbed?” 

The Ambassador gestured that they walk towards one of the central buildings. The silence between them was deafening. In situations like this one might make small talk about the weather or the scenery, but since the Ambassador had picked a planet very much like the old Vulcan – unceasing desert, hot, gritty and nothing of interest beyond the new drab prefab buildings put up in the past few months…there wasn’t much to say. Besides now that he was alone with the older Spock he found himself a little intimidated. Leonard suddenly wished Jim were here, the man couldn’t keep his mouth shut for five minutes and it certainly would have broken the ice.

Spock, as if hearing his thoughts, suddenly spoke, “I trust your journey was pleasant, even if your landing was less than optimal.” 

Well, that was certainly small talk. McCoy seized on it, though, as a lifeline. “As much as anyone can enjoy being on a damned shuttle. At least we didn’t have to use the transporters,” he shuddered at the thought.

Spock actually chuckled at that. “No, you never did appreciate being transported.” 

McCoy wasn’t sure if he was more shocked at a Vulcan chuckling or that he was being given information on the _other_ McCoy. “Well, if the other me had an ounce of sense he wouldn’t, no. Jim tells me we three were close friends in your universe. Jim’s been a friend since we both joined the Academy, but well…” Great way to start, Leonard, he mentally chided himself – insult the man before you even begin.

But Spock took no offense and smiled slightly, “It is true when your counterpart and I first met we were not well-disposed to get along. It took some time to first garner respect and from there our friendship grew. Jim Kirk was our first and foremost commonality. His friendship encouraged our own and I must say I always found our debates fascinating when they did not actually impede Starfleet procedures. But occasionally you would show me a side of an argument I had not thought of due to our different thought processes and in fact our ‘bickering,’ as Jim once put it, helped solve a few of our missions over the years.” 

// _Occasionally? How kind of you to give me some small credit_.//

Spock jerked in mid step and stumbled, the voice of that _other_ McCoy clear in his head. It could only be other universe’s McCoy as the voice was deeper, huskier, older…

The McCoy at his side, however, instinctively reached out a hand and saved him from falling. Spock straightened and pulled his arm away from McCoy roughly. “Do not touch me!” he growled. McCoy hastily dropped his arm, but pulled out his medical  scanner instead. Spock, with lightening reflexes McCoy would not expect in someone so old smacked the scanner out of his hand and the instrument went flying out of sight. “And do not invade my privacy – you are here for the colony’s well-being only.”

Spock suddenly looked shocked at the vehemence of his actions and words and shook his head, fingers going instantly to his temples, eyes cast down. “Please forgive me, Le- Doctor. I find myself fatigued suddenly. I believe I must delay our meeting for an hour. Please meet me in my quarters then. Just ask one of the colonists to guide you. Excuse me.” 

With that he strode off without waiting for McCoy’s response.

XXX

End Part One


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy nearly flinched to see the deep emotion suddenly showing so clearly in Spock’s eyes as he held his gaze steadily, he took a deep breath and the next words were spoken in a broken voice. “I wanted you here…I wanted you here because I wanted to see you one last time.”
> 
> McCoy blinked and frowned, “What - ?”
> 
> But he didn’t get to finish his question for Spock grabbed him by the neck and pulled him into a deep long kiss that lasted long enough for McCoy to nearly pass out from lack of oxygen. Spock pulled back roughly, tearing himself away from him as if he had been burned. Putting as much distance as he could between them he continued to stare deeply into McCoy’s eyes. “I had to see you one last time. I had to see you here safe, healthy, young, strong, beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things heat up a bit here. The summary I posted is perhaps my favorite part... I've cleaned it up a bit since I posted it first so past readers might note minor changes.

**********

McCoy stood where Spock had left him in consternation. The doctor in him wanted to rush after the older man and make sure he was physically unharmed, but some instinct told him to hold off and give Spock the hour he had requested. What now, though? The supplies and set up of the medical station did not truly require his presence; he’d picked a quite capable staff.

Perhaps his experience might be best put to use in getting the feeling for the colony he would be treating? Each one he had visited had different customs and rituals, but nearly all had some sort of gathering area. Usually one where alcohol flowed freely, but on a Vulcan colony? Not likely. As he strolled around the buildings he realized they were set up around a shaded courtyard with younger Vulcans in small groups talking quietly, a few played chess, others strummed an odd string instrument similar to a harp.

Aha, so Vulcans did have fun…kind of.  Chess and harp playing were about as loose as Vulcans likely got if any of the ones McCoy had met previously were any example.  As he strolled amongst them he began to notice the signs he’d been already warned of – many of the women were visibly pregnant and most seemed to have a male nearby regarding McCoy with faint distrust until they noticed his medical tricorder strapped to him. (The tool itself recovered remarkably unharmed despite Spock’s abuse to it).

He watched in fascination as the Vulcans would size him up and then promptly ignore him as a non-threat. He wondered if the Vulcan people had ever been quite so suspicious of strangers before the tragedy or if it was a manifestation in the change in their cultural views. Would the new generation grow up even more distrustful? Thinking back to the few he had worked around during his Academy years he rather doubted it was possible for Vulcans to become more reclusive or snooty to other species.

Sudden sounds of grunting and shouting behind him made him whirl around. One man was holding out his hands in defense whilst another man angrily tried to attack him, the look on his face was like that of the Spock back on the ship when Kirk confronted him on his mother’s death: deadly. McCoy ran towards the scuffle, especially since a pregnant woman was standing nearby, but a sudden hand on his arm stopped him in his tracks. He turned angrily at the man holding him still until he saw it was Spock’s father.

“Do not attempt to interfere, it will pass in a moment and he will be taken to the medical center.”

McCoy turned back and saw that already a group of men had succeeded in subduing the man and in fact the Vulcan no longer looked angry, he had his fingers rubbing his temples as he was led away and the other Vulcans settled back into their chairs or walked away as if nothing had happened.

“The Pon Farr?” he asked Sarek quietly. “Spock told me it was becoming disruptive, but I had no idea just how violent and how sudden it would strike. I thought Spock…I mean, Commander Spock’s anger on the bridge was unusual in Vulcans and also had something to do with his human heritage.”  
  
Sarek nodded, “it is unusual at any other time than the Pon Farr – and only then in extreme circumstances. My son’s reaction on the bridge was unusual by far – his grief and the stress with the additional pressure put on him by Jim Kirk caused him to lose his control.  Something he had not done since a small child. But then he has always struggled between his two heritages.”  Sarek was silent for a moment, but seemed about to say something troubling so McCoy waited patiently until the older man made up his mind to divulge more.

“My son’s behavior in this universe may have been somehow affected in some other ways.  Ambassador Spock has not told me much of his own life in the other universe, but he told me that my own Spock is behaving far more human than he did in his own time. It is quite perplexing.”   

McCoy had a feeling Sarek was speaking more about his relationship with Uhura now.  He stayed silent on the subject; it wasn’t for him to say.  He wondered what the other Spock and Uhura’s relationship had been.  Strictly professional?   Were they close at all?  The potential for a relationship might’ve existed in that other universe only this universe’s Spock had taken advantage of it and his counterpart hadn’t from what little he knew.

McCoy shook his head and took a deep breath to clear it. It was still hard to imagine this other universe and different Spocks, Kirks, McCoys…he would be forever wondering how his life was different than that other McCoy’s – if he was making the right decisions or the wrong ones.

Was he still married in that other time?  He missed his daughter desperately and his wife, or rather the one he’d first thought he’d known when he married her.  But his wife had been awarded full custody and remarried already. Suddenly realizing that Sarek was still standing next to him watching him he cleared his throat.

“I suppose I should visit the medical center first before my meeting time with the Ambassador.”

“You have yet to meet with Spock? I thought the Ambassador came to meet your vessel and to discuss matters with you already.”

McCoy shrugged mildly, not wishing to tattle on Spock for some reason, “He had some urgent business, but I’m meeting him in his quarters in about 45 minutes so I should hurry.”

Sarek looked conflicted at that. “My son…he is not quite himself. I believe he needs a medical examination, but I cannot persuade him to go to the healers himself. Perhaps you can help me in that regard. I am concerned. I do not believe he is taking his own health seriously enough.”

McCoy raised an eyebrow at that – Sarek was so reserved, for him to express concern…once again the doctor wished he hadn’t let Spock flee from him. “I’ll be sure to give him a physical – he is a member of the colony and therefore he’s required to have one done on him anyway.”

Sarek nodded and seemed as relieved as McCoy had ever seen a Vulcan.  
  
*****

McCoy noted with approval that his team had accomplished their work setting up and now there were patients on nearly every bed being tended to with a Vulcan healer on one side and a Starfleet Medical officer on the other conferring quietly. It was heartening to see there _were_ a number of healers and experts left from the planet's demise, but he could see the number was so few and with Pon Farr spreading throughout the colony - almost like a virus, their resources were not nearly enough. The exchange of medical information on Vulcan anatomy and their biological needs was actually a benefit to Starfleet and while most of it would remain under authorized security clearance it would still help if an emergency away from the colony happened.

McCoy remembered what Ambassador Spock had told him of how the Pon Farr had originally been revealed aboard the Enterprise. Had that McCoy known then what he knew now - Spock wouldn't have been able to cover up his condition for as long.

This reminded him that if he didn't hurry he'd be late for his own meeting with the older Spock and he headed towards where one of the healers had indicated the Ambassador's quarters were. His tricorder was ready, set with new parameters for Vulcan readings, but Spock's anatomy was half human so he also had the younger Spock's readings ready as well. The healers had warned McCoy that the Ambassador had yet to submit to their own medical examinations stating their resources were already stretched thin and he was in no need of medical attention at the time so there was no need for their attentions. In other words - even the healers who couldn't get in to see the older Vulcan were concerned for him. He'd had enough prodding and hints - Ambassador Spock was getting a physical during their meeting - no excuses.

"Enter," Spock's deep voice seemed strong enough at least, McCoy noted, as he entered the quarters.

"I must apologize again for my behavior earlier, doctor,” he said as he gestured for McCoy to take the chair. "I was fatigued and I must admit the level of stress and emotional outbursts amongst the younger survivors has leached past my shields at times. I have rested and meditated and I feel confident the situation will not occur again. By now you must've seen enough of the colony and the symptoms that are being exhibited by some of the younger men."

McCoy raised an eyebrow at the excuse for Spock's behavior, but decided to follow along with Spock's lead for now. "I have. One man attacked another, but he was quickly subdued. Has this become such a common occurrence? I thought such behavior only got so far if one delayed bonding - are there any disputes amongst those choosing bondmates?"

Spock sat stiffly at the edge of his bed. "There is a slight discrepancy in the number of women to men, which has led to a few difficulties; however...the Pon Farr cycle is also becoming accelerated. I have researched the environmental factors of the surrounding area, but I believe it is more of the proximity of the people bonding and one cannot dismiss the emotional factors. Normally Vulcans would not allow such bleeding of shields and control, but I do believe that as time goes by things will calm down. Also the additional help you and your personnel are providing the healers should be a great help.”

McCoy nodded, but was distracted at the question that still niggled at him, “Why me?”

Spock didn’t seem surprised at the question despite its abruptness. “Surely Jim Kirk told you at least some of what I imparted to him during our mind meld. Your counterpart showed great discretion in the past. You were also the only doctor I ever really trusted…in the other universe. Granted I do not know you personally here in this one, but I believed…” Spock lapsed into silence, shaking his head to himself, his eyes glancing out the small window, ignoring the doctor and seeming to forget his presence.

McCoy raised an eyebrow at the behavior and tried to surreptitiously open up his med kit. It was a useless attempt at subterfuge or even subtlety, Vulcan hearing being what it is he might as well have been banging on bongo drums. Spock turned his focus back on him with the same quick reflexes he’d demonstrated before, only this time he only turned his face quickly and gazed at him with razor sharp intellect radiating from his eyes. “Is it not deemed impolite to ignore a person’s wishes regarding their privacy, doctor? I did not ask you here in my home in the capacity of medical purposes.”

Leonard H. McCoy was not one to be intimidated so easily. He ignored the question. “Your father and several other members of the council, not to mention Jim are all worried about your health. I’m giving everyone on the colony a medical exam, you aren’t exempt.”

Spock’s breathing pattern began to quicken. “I did not ask you here to diagnose me – I am well aware of my symptoms and their prognosis – I am entering Pon Farr.  A fact my father and several others know as well. I do not wish my privacy to be invaded further.”

McCoy had continued to pull out his instruments and their readings verified Spock’s statements. “It may be all well and good amongst Vulcans for non-healers to diagnose themselves and others, but we Starfleet doctors prefer to scan and diagnose for ourselves, not to mention recommending treatment.

“Yes, you are experiencing the symptoms of Pon Farr, and they are not early symptoms, either, you must’ve been hiding or denying them for some time now. You must act quickly, especially at your age,” he said matter-of-factly; knowing the older Vulcan needed no mollycoddling about his age. One hundred and fifty-five was impressive for a human, Vulcans could live longer, but Spock was no ordinary Vulcan, who knew what his normal life span was?

Spock nodded at this and stood, apparently to help regain his dignity at such undignified discussion of his anatomy. “I was not sure until my father confronted me with the fact – I have not experienced the need in a long time, I have not needed a bondmate for many years.”

McCoy stifled his curiosity at that, but he did wonder if Uhura had been that bondmate, or one of them. “But we’re not speaking of the past, we’re speaking of the present. Have you chosen a new…bondmate?” The word didn’t really roll off his tongue well. Husband, wife, lover…but bondmate? It seemed so – primal, especially for a race that prided itself in sophistication and culture.

Spock held up a hand, quelling McCoy’s questions. “I have no wish to find a new mate, nor would it be appropriate.”

The doctor stood up from his own chair now, anger and concern warring at one another. “What the hell do you mean you don’t mean to find a mate? You’ll die! And as for appropriate – is this because you’re from an alternate universe – you worry about having children and changing the universe more?” This last explanation made sense to McCoy in a way, but still…

Spock shook his head, “My reasons for my course of action are none of your business, and I did not call you here to examine me or to discuss my future plans with you-”

“Unless my ‘counterpart’ is vastly different from me, you must’ve known full well I wouldn’t let you kill yourself, Spock.” Leonard was shocked at calling the Ambassador by his first name – not only was he being grossly informal and disrespectful in some ways, but it usually conjured the image of the ‘other’ Spock, but this Spock bore little resemblance to the one he knew on board the Enterprise, especially at this moment.

The older Vulcan didn’t seem upset at the familiar usage, though, nor the angry retort, instead that small smile he’d witnessed at the shuttle returned. “No…you are not that different…in fact, that is exactly what I’d expect you to say. But my fate is NOT in your hands and you do not have authority over me so my wishes will be respected.”

McCoy flushed angrily, but put his authoritative doctor’s face on, “Oh, but your medical fate does rest with me: I’m your doctor and you are not in your right mind at the moment…your treatment falls within my purview. You are still a member of Starfleet,” he added for good measure. Old Spock/Spock Prime, whatever it was the powers to be wanted to call him, was still considered an Ambassador.

Spock’s face flushed, too, an angry green that would scare the pants off any other person, but McCoy was becoming used to angry Vulcans. “You are NOT my doctor,” he growled.

“Oh, but I am – in another universe and time and also when I examined you just now. I’m also CMO and in charge of ALL inhabitants of this colony. You made sure yourself. Why, Spock, did you make a mistake?” he couldn’t help goading the Vulcan it just came so naturally.

Spock made an abortive movement towards him, but then turned suddenly away from him, walking to the window with his hands locked behind his back, McCoy noted the hands were fists, but wasn’t too concerned. This Spock had far more control than the younger one did. Otherwise…he suddenly envisioned the other Spock choking Jim on the bridge of the Enterprise.

// _I would **never** harm you_.// McCoy blinked and shook his head as if an insect was buzzing in it. Did he imagine that?

// _No, you did not_.// Spock continued, turning back from the window, but verbally this time, “I apologize…it was so easy to communicate with you that way once. Then he shook his head; all the anger seemed to have drained from him. “I mean…the other McCoy. In another lifetime.”

Spock began to pace the small room, somehow managing to not brush past the doctor despite the room’s small dimensions and limited floor space. “You are right to wonder why I asked you to come – it was a legitimate request – you are the one person I knew I could trust to handle the colony’s problems with discretion…I also wanted you to be aware of the condition should my counterpart experience it. Or perhaps I should say when he experiences it.  It is unavoidable. At one time my human ancestry was a slight hope that I would escape the experience, but I came to feel the Pon Farr and dealt with it in an inappropriate way. I wish to spare my counterpart his embarrassment, you will know what signs to look for now. Also…I do not know…perhaps you know, has he formalized his bonding with Uhura? I must admit I was surprised at their relationship at first, but then there are so many things different in this timeline. T’Pring did not survive the destruction of Vulcan. He no longer needs to worry – nor will he go through the pain of -” he broke off and turned to pace again silently.

McCoy was even more curious at the mention of this T’Pring and what pain the other Spock went through, but held back his questions again. He did not want the Older Spock to stop feeling he could confide in him; so he returned the favor.

“Actually, when I left the ship Spock and Uhura were no longer a couple. I don’t know exactly what went wrong, but shortly after the destruction of Vulcan he seemed more distant and I suspect there is a great deal of anger and grief he is still not quite dealing with. I think Uhura couldn’t take it anymore and gave him an ultimatum to seek psychiatric help, but he refused, of course.”

Spock looked sad at this and stopped pacing close to McCoy, a little closer than was comfortable, perhaps, but the doctor felt frozen in place. “No, he would not seek help. Meditation…focusing on his work…I tried to advise him, but he will do what he feels is right. I am only grateful he hasn’t left Starfleet. It is his best, first destiny. Time will heal his wounds; I would not worry overmuch for him. I am only sad he is alone. When it comes time for the Pon Farr…well, things will unfold differently no matter what now that T’Pring is dead.”

McCoy couldn’t resist any longer, “May I ask who she was to you?”

Spock looked pained at the question, but answered readily, “She and I were bonded at a young age. I was to mate with her at the time of my Pon Farr, she refused and the repercussions…I was lucky to be spared them or I would have died. She ended up mated to Stonn. Stonn survived, by the way, I do not know the details of their affair, but I believe he grieves her.” Spock didn’t sound like he grieved her one iota, but there was perhaps a touch of sympathy for Stonn in his voice.

“Thank you for telling me…I am sorry for what happened – in that other timeline. You say you survived not mating with her then…whom did you mate with? All the research you and the other healers have given me tells me that once Pon Farr begins you must mate or die.”

Spock looked away at that, “There was a challenge…if one kills during the challenge the blood lust is sometimes fulfilled.”

McCoy was struck by that chilling fact, interesting that little bit of medical fact didn’t make it in the dossier. “You killed Stonn?” he asked quietly.

Spock seemed to be debating his next words, but then shook his head, “No…she chose Kirk for her challenger…I was made to believe I killed him – I did not want to, you understand, there was no choice…”

“Made to believe…?”

Spock smiled, this time broader than McCoy had seen before, “You tricked me. You slipped Kirk a drug to make him appear dead.”

The doctor wasn’t too surprised he’d done far worse things to save Jim Kirk’s ass already. “I was there, too? Well, then of course I wouldn’t have allowed either of you to die.  I didn’t end up in Vulcan prison for that?”

“Vulcans do not have prisons, and anyway, my father smoothed things over with T’Pau and the matter was allowed to rest.”

The doctor turned these new facts over in his mind. “Just thinking you killed Jim ended the Pon Farr? And when you discovered he wasn’t dead? None of this makes sense…”

Spock held up a hand. “I do not wish to discuss that event further. Suffice to say I survived as did Kirk.”

“And what of future Pon Farrs?” McCoy refused to let up, “you had to mate sometime…or did you go around pretending to kill people? Are you trying to tell me you’re a virgin?” he pushed – Spock needed pushing. They were ignoring the large elephant in the room – Spock’s denial of his condition.

Spock’s calm was shattered, his voice turned harsher and his speech sped up. “I told you not to pry in my private matters. What I told you was for your Spock’s best interests – I do not know what will happen now that he has no mate, he will have to find a new one if he and Uhura do not resume their relationship.

“Now, there is one other matter I need to discuss with you and then our meeting is at an end. In approximately ten years, if this universe is the same in this respect, you will be diagnosed with xenopolycythemia, I have the cure’s formula on this padd.”

He drew out a padd from his robes and thrust it in McCoy’s hands. “You must leave now, I need to meditate.” The last words were spoken through grinding teeth, the doctor was so shocked at the last revelation and the padd in his hands he just blinked and stared at the padd – the coding was a blur, he couldn’t think…

Spock seemed to be pushing him towards the doorway, but then stopped, his hands had touched McCoy’s shoulders and Spock suddenly stopped his efforts to extract McCoy from his quarters and instead guided McCoy to the bed, bypassing the hard wooden chair he’d sat on before. Spock sat on the chair instead, but pulled it closer to the bed. “I am sorry…I – I did not mean to impart that knowledge to you in that manner…”

McCoy glanced up blindly from the padd; he focused on the dark eyes looking intently into his own. “You’re messing with the timeline again…telling me this…did I die from the disease then?” his voice was remarkably calm to his own ears.

“No, no, I found the cure in time, but I cannot guarantee the Enterprise will be in the right place at the right time and that events will unfold the same. My own counterpart reacts differently from the way I did.  I cannot trust even if you will come across the Yonada – that doesn’t matter anymore, though, I have given you the cure, you may make up whatever story you wish, but it is important you get diagnosed to be sure your body has the same disease and if so – administer the cure. At the time you found out you had perhaps a year to live. I had to give you that personally. I also have a few padds I wish you to distribute to certain members of the crew if you do not mind.” He pulled out a wrapped bundle tied in simple black string. “One for Jim, another for Scotty and another for my counterpart. I would appreciate it if you would make sure they receive them privately.”

McCoy shook himself out of his stupor over the rather devastating prediction of his potential death and latched on to what Spock was telling him now. “You have no intention to mate. You intend to let the Pon Farr kill you, don’t you?”

Spock was calmer now than he’d been when he’d tried to push the doctor out the door. Too calm. “I suppose you have earned that knowledge. Yes, I do not wish to mate again – it is my time, my fate. I cannot escape it this time,” he said with a small smile.

“Why?!” McCoy shouted angrily. He tossed the padds Spock had given him on a nearby table, suddenly he was the angriest he had ever been and he was going to take it out on this stubborn, stupid Vulcan. He stood up and stared the Vulcan full in the face, challenging him.

Spock seemed surprised. “Why not? It is logical. I do not belong in this timeline/universe. I have done my best to right that which I set wrong in this time and I have no inclination to mate even should I wish to remain here.”

McCoy shook his head and pointed a finger at him. “You are a coward. You’re taking the easy way out. You still feel guilty at what happened and you are martyring yourself as if you still need to be punished.”

Spock’s anger returned. “Do not call me a coward. I have no wish to be a martyr and I am not punishing myself. It is my time to die and I do not fear it.”

McCoy growled in frustration,  “Why is it your ‘time to die’? That’s illogical – there are still plenty of Vulcan women who have not bonded – I suspect at least a few with the hopes of the honor of bonding with the savior of New Vulcan – whether it is you or your counterpart. And there is time still. Sarek sent me a list of names and a time for the ceremony to take place – all you need do is make a choice and show up. This is NOT your time to die!”

McCoy panted with the exertion of yelling at the pointy-eared moron. Here he tells McCoy he has a fatal illness and then hands him a cure and tells him he’s going to crawl into some hole and die by choice! And even making him the messenger boy for anyone that might care for him in this universe – he had no doubt each one of those other padds was a goodbye message. Why wasn’t Kirk here? He wished he had Jim’s knack at handling this type of Vulcan stubbornness.

“Do not lecture me on logic!” Spock thundered back, and then took a deep breath, lowering his voice to a more acceptable level. “I do not wish to mate with any Vulcan woman on this colony.”

“You prefer a human woman?” McCoy asked eagerly, that explained Uhura.

“No, actually my sexual preferences do not normally lie in women, but that does not matter.” Spock spoke with resignation. “Even should I wish to mate on this colony, to do as my father wishes, even if only to save my life, it would be wrong to spread my hybrid seed amongst the colony. New Vulcan should not be contaminated with my blood anyway, I am surprised my father does not see this himself, perhaps his own need to bond clouds his logic. Vulcans need to propagate their own race; a mixed child would not be welcome here, anyway. Even on my own planet I was not welcome; here it would eventually become apparent that a mistake had been made in polluting the race. If my potential progeny were to mate with pure blooded Vulcans it would simply spread –“

McCoy flushed in anger at that, “Oh yes, heaven forbid human genes pollute Vulcan’s pure blood.”

Spock reached out a hand at that and stopped short of touching him. “It is not just my own viewpoint – I foresee even worse xenophobia and less tolerance for mixed-bloods in the future. Something I would never think possible, quite frankly, Vulcan was already intolerant of my kind, and we were few. I am not proud of it, but at the same time I see the logic in this case. We are an endangered species, Leonard. I do not wish to endanger it further.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow at the use of his first name. He decided to drop the subject, for now. “You said you don’t wish to be with a woman? That’s certainly different than your counterpart already. Well, that makes the whole subject of progeny moot then, would the Pon Farr be satisfied with a man instead of a woman or is it strictly breeding involved?” It wasn’t something covered in the information he had so far.

Spock raised his own eyebrow, “It is rare for two men to bond, but not unheard of and they do go through Pon Farr and need no woman to abate the symptoms. But as I have no wish to find a Vulcan male on the colony to mate with either, Doctor.  So the subject is, as you say, moot.”

McCoy ground his teeth and just barely managed to resist pulling at his hair in frustration. Damn the old Vulcan – he was every bit as infuriating as his counterpart – no, more so.

“So, you send for me to keep your race’s little dirty secret, you give me a cure for a disease I might have and expect me to act as messenger boy for you to the Enterprise crew, and oh wait – let’s not forget – watch you die out of sheer stubbornness. You and your blasted fate and destiny and all that hogwash – you cannot have expected me to let you die. Is there some reason my counterpart would have given you leave to do so that makes you think I’d let this happen? Is that why you’ve kept Jim away? He wouldn’t let you die – no way. And neither will I.”

Spock stared deep into his eyes and then spoke quietly, “You are right about one thing, I have one other agenda – I could have sent those padds along in another way, I could have even contacted someone else in Starfleet Medical to help out with the colony, though I did trust you above all others, I did not call you here to watch me die, however…”  McCoy nearly flinched to see the deep emotion suddenly showing so clearly in Spock’s eyes as he held his gaze steadily, he took a deep breath and the next words were spoken in a broken voice.  “I wanted you here…I wanted you here because I wanted to see you one last time.”

McCoy blinked and frowned, “What - ?”

But he didn’t get to finish his question for Spock grabbed him by the neck and pulled him into a deep long kiss that lasted long enough for McCoy to nearly pass out from lack of oxygen. Spock pulled back roughly, tearing himself away from him as if he had been burned. Putting as much distance as he could between them he continued to stare deeply into McCoy’s eyes. “I had to see you one last time. I had to see you here safe, healthy, young, strong, _beautiful_.

“Once upon a time, as humans say, in another timeline you and I were bondmates. And I never took another one as long as I lived after you died and I never plan to take another. So there is your final reason, Leonard. I am ready to die now. I have had a chance I never thought possible – to see you once more – to taste you, to touch you and now I can go in peace. Now please, I ask you, for the man I once knew, for the bondmate I once had…please do not interfere with my final wishes. There is another padd in that bundle for you, which will answer many of the questions you will likely have later on. Now please go.”

  _// **Go**! T’hyla_. //

McCoy numbly found himself obeying, scooping up the bundle and the padd with the cure and leaving the room. He heard a faint sound of a lock and he stood trembling outside the door without thought long enough for a passing Vulcan to ask him if he needed help.

“Help? Yes, no, I’m not sure…” he mumbled.

The Vulcan seemed to think this odd enough to direct him to the Medical center he’d set up and he nodded and accepted her guidance without thinking.

****

Spock stood with his forehead against the locked door and tried desperately to regain control, but it was no use. He had revealed far too much – he never meant for this McCoy to know of their relationship in the other timeline. He had gone too far. And not nearly far enough. He wanted nothing more than to physically wrench open the door and grab the man he still sensed on the other side and take him. Right then and there.

The Pon Farr…the madness… _the burning_ …he thought of the other times the two of them had faced it together. But that was not THIS McCoy – this was not HIS McCoy and even if something did happen between them – it would not be love – it would be pity on the other McCoy’s behalf. It would most likely rise from his own personal medical principals and it would be nothing like what he had with Leonard.

 _// **Leonard//**_ – his soul cried out for his own lost love.

The years that had passed did not matter. Leonard had lived a long life for a human and it had not been all that many years since he was gone, but each year felt like a decade to Spock. Illogical, but true. Likely his own McCoy would make some joke about dog years and Vulcan/Human years. He missed all those irritating and admittedly (if only to himself) endearing jokes. Spock closed his eyes and thought of the first Pon Farr with Leonard H. McCoy…

 

End Part 2


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock’s first reaction was to hit something - anything - the consol next to him, the bulkhead, and the irritating man staring at him with sad eyes. Those eyes... //piercing blue eyes that could convey a variety of emotions, often within seconds of each other - a startling phenomenon - they could show compassion, sorrow, anger, rage, and then deep unrelenting sadness - Spock had seen them all, mostly directed at himself over the years...those eyes haunted him, especially now - he wished he could take the sadness away and make them sparkle with happiness, one of the emotions he'd loved viewing most from his T'hyla//
> 
> It was this burst of sadness and longing that kept him from losing his temper at the young man's sheer audacity. But then why should he be surprised by anything Leonard McCoy did in any universe anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (This chapter starts with Spock remembering the first Pon Farr that happened in TOS universe - just fyi.)
> 
> As stated in first chapter: // indicates projecting thoughts - either intentional or unintentional, but even this gets muddied after awhile. Just a warning... ;)

****

No one other than Spock and _his own_ McCoy knew what happened after that failed Pon Farr with T’Pring and the fight with Kirk. Jim had accepted the explanation, even with Spock’s odd emotional behavior of grabbing the captain and showing his delight that he still lived. Instead, Jim had waved it off and ordered Spock to take some time off alone in his quarters for rest while they hurried off on their next mission.

McCoy, never one to leave well enough alone - fortunately for Spock, had followed the Vulcan to his cabin shortly after.

Spock had been dismayed to find the burning had returned just as swiftly as it had fled on the planet.  He was now in the midst of a terrible dilemma – he had already put his captain and the ship’s duty in danger to get to Vulcan for the bonding with T’Pring, now there was no bondmate waiting there and he still was experiencing Pon Farr even while the Captain and doctor thought he was fine. What was he to do?

There was nothing: no chance of returning to Vulcan and he had no one to turn to. The grief swept over him and all logical thought fled him, tears ran down his cheeks and he fell to his knees to the floor. He was going to die, but it was not that fact that he regretted – it was the sacrifices his friends had made for him – all for naught. And to end his life so early in his career – before he had made any difference or had proven himself to his father...the last bit of vanity would normally have horrified him, but he was in the throws of Pon Farr and he felt every emotion acutely.

There was a chime at the door. He ignored it. Another one, then an insistent knock, a rare occurrence on the Enterprise.

“Go away! I wish to meditate. Seek appointment later!” he knew whomever was on the other side of the door would be startled by this response, but it wouldn’t matter.  He had perhaps stretched the truth, there would be no later appointment.

“Emergency Medical Override McCoy Alpha 1004.”

Spock was on his knees still, rocking, his hands clasped together, but covering his face. He had not heard the voice in the rushing of blood filling his ears and his pulse throbbing, but some primal part of him recognized that there was someone in the room. He tried to ignore the violent urges suddenly assaulting his thin control.

“Get out!” he shouted, barely able to keep himself from attacking the intruder.

“Like hell! Emergency Lock, Authorization McCoy 1004. Spock, you fool, why did you leave sickbay and tell me you no longer felt the Pon Farr?!”

Spock looked up to angry blue eyes, starting down at him, yet beneath the anger he saw…something else – compassion? It would take a great deal to get rid of McCoy short of violence, he struggled to regain control of his voice and his composure, his face was still wet with tears, though, and betrayed any hope of convincing McCoy. “I did not feel the burning at the time. I thought, as you did, I had been spared the need to mate.”  Spock’s voice was growing rougher, raw emotion making his voice nearly unrecognizable to himself,  “I cannot stop this now. There is no solution. Leave my quarters now while I still have some control over my actions.”

McCoy didn’t budge, and Spock quite frankly wasn’t surprised in the slightest.

“I had a message from T’Pau just now, Spock. She knows of my subterfuge and will clear things up with the council and Starfleet. But she also warned me that this might not be over. She told me-”

Spock would listen no more – everyone – everyone on Vulcan and in Starfleet would know of his shame! He growled and surged to his feet, grabbing McCoy by his shirt front in two fists. “How dare you discuss my private matters with others!”

McCoy shouted over him, “It was T’Pau that contacted ME, Spock – you aren’t listening! And no one will know – unless you continue to shout and a crewmember outside hears.” He lowered his voice then, “There is no need to be ashamed – this is not in your control, it is a medical condition, a biological imperative…I am your doctor…I will not allow anyone else to know of this. But you must be treated now.”

The words seemed to sink in and Spock, reluctantly let go of McCoy, who smoothed down his hopelessly rumpled blue shirt. Spock retreated to the other side of the room and chuckled mirthlessly, “Treatment…there is no treatment, doctor. You seem to think a hypo of one of your potions will help this time. There is no treating this.”

“There is,” McCoy said softly, “and you know it. I’ve cleared three days with Jim. Seems the atmosphere and gravity of Vulcan has gotten to me as well.”

Spock raised both eyebrows at that and then immediately his face clouded over in a rather frightening change. “I do not wish to be pitied – I will NOT be manipulated in this way – and this is NOT your duty as my doctor – get OUT!”

McCoy crossed his arms and raised a lazy eyebrow of his own. “Oh, pity is it? Medical duty? I’ll accept a little of the manipulation charge because I didn’t exactly ask your thoughts on the matter and you don’t have a choice. I’m not here as your doctor. I’m here as your friend. And I’m here because I bloody won’t let you die. I’m not averse to a bit of ‘bonding’ at the moment. It’s been a long time for me, too.”

Spock stalked dangerously back to McCoy, Leonard nearly lost his nerve and stepped back, but didn’t, he steeled himself – he’d already set himself on this course and he wouldn’t back down now. He was no coward.

Spock’s breath could be felt on his cheek as the Vulcan spoke in a low pitched, angry voice, “This is no moment for jocularity, doctor, this is no mere ‘roll in the hay’ as you would put it. The bonding is not a simple exchange of body fluids, it is called a bond for a reason, it does not end in a one-night stand. And there would be a melding of minds, something you have shown little taste for – it is intimate and it carries danger to those species less strong than Vulcans. Even if I were inclined to bond with you…it would be too dangerous.” And yet Spock remained so close McCoy could see the Vulcan’s pulse had quickened. Hell, McCoy’s heart was hammering in his ribcage and he knew Spock could hear that crystal clear.

“You think I didn’t research this? I know what it is I’m getting into, well, perhaps not exactly, but enough to know I can certainly withstand this – what of your own mother – a weakling human female, isn’t she? What makes you think I can’t handle this? I am willing to bond with you. T’Pau explained to me how to do so, though you’ll be taking the lead as far as the mental requirements go.”

Spock’s eyes widened, “T’Pau expects me to bond with you?!”

“Shh, Spock, the walls are too thin for my liking unless you’ve got your sound proofing up.” McCoy grinned at that, but then turned back into serious doctor mode again, “YES, I told you she contacted me. I listened, unlike some people in this room, and I asked her all the questions I could think of on if this was possible. She gave us her blessing. That good enough for you?”

Spock couldn’t believe it; T’Pau had blessed a bond between Spock and McCoy – and through subspace channels. It was like a terrible dream. His father would hear of this, his mother would know…apparently they must know already.  Everyone was arranging a new match for Spock without his consent. AGAIN.

McCoy might not be able to read his mind, but he seemed to be able to decipher Spock’s thoughts just fine. “Look, perhaps I handled this badly, but being blunt is the only way I know how to get through to you – I wish to bond with you – will you accept me?”

Those words alone sent the blood lust flaring again. Whatever Spock’s mind thought, his body knew one thing: it wanted McCoy. And it wanted him _now_. Surely this wouldn’t occur if Spock’s own mind wasn’t in some way compatible with it. Time was running out. He couldn’t hold off much longer, but he would give McCoy one last out and show him what exactly the human was so recklessly offering.

Spock reached up, his hands placing themselves on the points for a meld. He felt the doctor flinch slightly, but Spock had no intention of hiding the violence of the Pon Farr beyond keeping the meld as light as he could so it could still be broken when McCoy panicked and changed his mind as Spock had no doubt he would.

The meld was quickly established, the doctor was stunned by the onslaught of _desire, lust, pain, loneliness, NEEDNEEDNEED_. Spock tore his fingers away and stepped back with difficulty. McCoy panted and then looked Spock right back in the eye.

“Was that a challenge? You expect me to back down? I’m ready.  Don’t you dare fucking stop this time,” he moved forward and pulled Spock to him utilizing his own cultural way of expressing passion – a long deep kiss. Spock had experienced kissing briefly in the Academy. He had not understood the act’s attraction and had never thought it worth experimenting with the incident again.  Apparently he was wrong.

Though he felt the soft lips turning harder with passion and the warm wet tongue exploring his mouth physically; mentally he was feeling the kiss on another level all together. He had never for a moment suspected McCoy – Leonard – had such an interest in him as a sexual being. He, who had noticed countless ‘crushes’ amongst the crew and even a small amount of attraction from Kirk, had never believed the doctor felt anything, but interest in his physical and mental health and of the general camaraderie shared amongst the bridge crew. Now with physical contact and McCoy’s mind open to his he felt a great deal more emotion hiding within all those hours of bickering and - ”

“Spock?” McCoy broke the kiss suddenly. Spock stood dazed, trying to wrap his mind around the new revelations. But still – to bond? McCoy obviously didn’t truly understand the consequences, what he felt was sexual attraction and affection, but…

“Yes, doctor?” his voice was hoarse.

“Quit thinking so much and get undressed.”  With that McCoy pulled his blue medical tunic off and started on the black undershirt next, pale slightly pink skin and a trail of hair leading in a line suggestively down to where his pants were still fastened.

And with that he succumbed to the burning and dragged McCoy down with him, his fingers on McCoy’s face, his body rubbing against Leonard’s.  McCoy tugged at Spock’s uniform and they broke apart only to divest themselves of the rest of their clothing as quickly as possible.  It was likely one or two garments would need to be fixed later.

The burning left little time for preparation, but Spock did his best not to hurt Leonard and the doctor had come prepared with lubricants and other items Spock had no immediate interest in. They joined together as one, body and mind – and the grief, the sadness the loneliness – all met with similar feelings with McCoy and bound together they melted away leaving peace and happiness in their wake.

The burning and the joining seemed to go on forever, but in reality it was only two point seven days before Spock felt the affects completely out of his system and he lay spent on the bed, awaiting his turn in the sonic shower.

McCoy came out, fully dressed for the first time in those two days and gestured for Spock to clean up, too. “But be careful, I need to heal some of those abrasions after you’ve cleansed them.”

Spock stopped before him just outside the bathroom facilities. “And I can heal that black eye for you.” He kissed gently at the edge of the wound, his fingers tracing Leonard’s face affectionately for what might be the last time. He registered the surprise, both at the touch and the knowledge of the black eye. Neither remembered when it occurred and apparently the doctor didn’t feel it.

There were no mirrors in Spock’s quarters as far as McCoy could see. He must look like he’d been through a brawl. Or a rather interesting shore leave on a pleasure planet, he thought, chuckling. Spock’s fingers were still touching his face.

// _Do you go to such pleasure planets on your leaves often enough for this to occur in the past?//_ he asked telepathically. There was more than a hint of jealousy tingeing Spock’s thoughts.

McCoy just grinned and took Spock’s hands down from his face and kissed him softly on the lips. “No…just a random thought, Spock. We humans have dirty minds and since the crew doesn’t know where we are exactly – certainly not on the ship in your quarters together I was just thinking what Scotty might think – he’s the one with a somewhat more perverted sense of fun at times. I’ve patched him up for split lips, black eyes, alcohol poisoning, you name it, and a few other things that would be breaking patient/doctor confidentiality. Suffice to say pleasure planets aren’t the cleanest of places. All crewmen that go down to those tend to end up in my sickbay at some point or another. Now go clean up so we can both make ourselves presentable.”

Spock let go of his hands reluctantly. After their healing of wounds things would be back to business. The Pon Farr was over and the blood lust stilled. McCoy had enjoyed most of their time together, Spock had done his best to make sure of it in his more lucid moments, but now…now McCoy seemed to think nothing more of the bonding and no need to deepen it.

He had sensed this in the doctor’s mind. McCoy would not mind a physical relationship and one based on human terms of affection. Not enough to satisfy Spock’s need for a permanent bondmate and he would not force such a choice on the other man. He must constantly remind himself that Leonard was human and had no real concept of what a bondmate was or could be…and he wasn’t ready for such a relationship. Spock had felt the intense hurt and grief that McCoy’s ex-wife had left him with – he had no real desire or even capacity for it at this time. Spock turned on the sonic shower and was simply grateful that he no longer need worry about losing control. Their relationship could go back to friendship and he would always be grateful to the doctor for saving his life. If McCoy wanted a physical relationship, well, Spock would simply have to explain how it would not work out logically working in such close quarters on the Enterprise. He knew the doctor would understand even if he might be slightly disappointed.

*****

Spock opened his eyes and thought how foolish he had been. To think he would not hurt McCoy’s feelings on breaking the news that they would return to being colleagues and friends only. He knew Leonard did not want the full bonding that Vulcans required, but the fact that it could not continue in some human fashion had hurt him emotionally.

It had taken some time – a few tense situations when they were alone on a mission or in a turbolift, but eventually McCoy had seemed to accept the situation and they had returned to their own version of friendship, bickering and arguing and Spock secretly enjoying their arguments when alone to rehash them.

Jim just knew enough to stay out of the way at first and when things had returned to normal he’d seemed very much relieved. Spock certainly was – he could put the Pon Farr behind him and not think of it again. Until the next time it would occur and he would of course have to make new arrangements on Vulcan when his time came again. He would not ask it of McCoy, nor would they likely be serving together again, he had thought at the time.

The Enterprise had been scheduled for a five-year mission. Never had he thought he and the doctor would be on the same ship when it occurred again. No, he had been sure there would never be a need to worry about such feelings stirred up by the Pon Farr again.

 

****

 

The Old Spock smiled slightly at his younger self - how he had actually thought he could somehow ignore his feelings for Leonard McCoy was beyond all logic.  Even here and now as an old man in an alternate reality he could not fail to summon the man to see him once more.  Of course it was both uplifting and painful to see him.  This McCoy was even younger than the one he had first met aboard the Enterprise.  Jim had pulled a few strings to get him on board the Enterprise after Dr. Piper retired.  McCoy and Jim had been friends from the Academy and instantly picked up their friendship once more.  Spock had at first seen no difference in one human doctor than another until their first 'encounter' or as it later became known as - their first bickering over logic and emotion. 

Never before had he met a human so irritatingly focused on arguing with Spock and insisting that emotions were just as important if not more so than logic - everything Spock and the teachings of Surak denied.  He had found the arguments annoying at first, then potentially dangerous to Starfleet's missions and the smooth functioning of the ship.  It was, as he had confided to McCoy, their mutual respect for Kirk that had bound them together as a unit - then later, he found a growing respect for McCoy's skills and even his compassion.  It led him to risk his life many times, but always without fear for himself - only for his friends and his patients or for others in need.  Spock found himself comparing McCoy to his mother's gentleness, her kindness and understanding.  They were not qualities, as Spock had discovered during his time at the Academy or aboard Starfleet ships, found in all humans.  Many were selfish, or egotistical, bigoted, qualities Vulcans liked to think they were above, but Spock's own childhood had taught him differently.

Uhura and many of the bridge crew had these kinder qualities in varying degrees, but in McCoy they seemed almost magnified.  And there was something else he sensed in the human - a small amount of empathic ability - nothing touching the kind of abilities found in Vulcans or other telepathic or empathic races, but there had been instances in humans he had come across in his travels, and McCoy had some talent in that ability.  Whether it was nature or nurture - was he always destined to be a healer or was his training as a healer that which caused him to empathize so much - sometimes too much with others?  It was a question he never fully answered even in all the years they had together later.  But that empathic ability...and the feelings McCoy stirred in him, even outside of Pon Farr had troubled Spock after the first occurrence.  It had only led them to trouble time and time again during their five-year mission - and beyond that...

 

The Older Spock shook his head, he was dwelling on the past too much - he had made his choice.  He had done what he'd meant to do and now he had to prepare to leave.  Now, before the younger alternate McCoy overcame his shock and came back to confront him again and before his father could interfere.  The Starfleet shuttle that had delivered the medical supplies would be empty of supplies and hopefully of crewmen for the time being.  He knew the Ensign that had brought McCoy here was grounded for the time being due to the doctor's influence.  Now he need only to 'borrow' it.  He regretted the theft and that there was no way to return it, but a lifetime serving Starfleet surely entitled him to one selfish act.

Spock glanced around the room and thought how useless it would be to take any of his meager possessions.  He did leave a note to his father explaining the logic of his actions and wishing him to live long and prosper and hoped his father would have future progeny to carry on his line and as an afterthought he did the same for T'Pual out of politeness.  He wanted his father to know there was no ill feeling, at least with one version of his son. He then turned to the clothes he'd been wearing when he'd gone through the black hole, the last remnants of that alternate universe.  Yes, those would go with him - it was fitting they leave the universe with him. With nothing left to do, he departed his home on New Vulcan for the last time.  He must act quickly before the Pon Farr made his mental faculties fail him.  He hurried towards the shuttle with only one last glance at the colony he had helped establish.  He had some small sense of pride that he had at least done that much for his people - they would carry on without him now and hopefully...// _hopefully they would not blame him for the fact that the whole travesty was his fault to begin with...//_

Grief overwhelmed him and he felt his shields slipping.  // _Hurry_!//, he thought with growing desperation.  He made it to the shuttlecraft undetected and slipped into the pilot's seat, quickly closing all doors and lifting the craft into the air and out of the atmosphere.  There, his course was set.  It would take some time to follow the course to the star he had chosen, but he had the shuttle on autopilot and he locked out his voice commands as a precautionary gesture. He would not let the Pon Farr cloud his mind and make him alter course or his destiny.  He sat back and watched the viewscreen silently.  He felt a tear slide down his face and decided there really was no reason to wipe it away or hide his emotions anymore.

"So where are we heading, Spock?" came a quiet voice from the back of the shuttle.  Spock whirled around and stared in uncontrolled horror.  The younger McCoy stood near the rear of the shuttle, his hands crossed casually across his chest.

****

Spock’s first reaction was to hit something - anything - the consol next to him, the bulkhead, and the irritating man staring at him with sad eyes.  Those eyes...  _//piercing blue eyes that could convey a variety of emotions, often within seconds of each other - a startling phenomenon - they could show compassion, sorrow, anger, rage, and then deep unrelenting sadness - Spock had seen them all, mostly directed at himself over the years...those eyes haunted him, especially now - he wished he could take the sadness away and make them sparkle with happiness, one of the emotions he'd loved viewing most from his T'hyla//_

It was this burst of sadness and longing that kept him from losing his temper at the young man's sheer audacity.  But then why should he be surprised by anything Leonard McCoy did in any universe anymore?

Taking a deep breath, he resorted to the calm, cool, logical tone that the McCoy he knew would usually become infuriated with...he wasn't quite sure why exactly he used it - to keep his own logic firmly in place or to provoke the other man.  For surely the second was an illogical and emotional act - he knew the burning within him craved McCoy's passionate response, still, he somehow denied that was his reasoning - he would answer the doctor and then proceed as planned. 

" _We_ are returning to New Vulcan where _you_ will be returning to your work on New Vulcan and most likely reporting me to the authorities.  _I_ will continue with my own plan and hope you do not succeed in stopping me for the results will be catastrophic.  Now I need to you to release the commands of this vessel back to my manual and voice authorization so I can turn off the auto pilot and alter our course."

McCoy's left eyebrow raised and he didn't budge from his position, arms still crossed. 

Spock's frustration grew in the back of his mind, but the first thought was - he is _so_ like my Leonard...he will not be reasoned with and he will not be told what to do...I must convince him...and I must likely lie, but I do not wish to lie - the last words I speak to him...for them to be lies...he couldn't.  He simply couldn't lie to any version of Leonard - not now. 

"Leonard...my time has come and I do not have much time left for rational thinking.  I **need** you to release the controls or you will be destroyed with me.  I have aimed this vessel at the heart of one of the - Old - Vulcan suns.  I wish to die as near as I can to what was my homeland.  Surely you can understand that?   But you have your whole life ahead of you - and your daughter-"

McCoy's eyes flashed at that and he cut Spock off - "Don't you dare speak of my daughter - you don't know her - at least not in this universe.  Don't use her to manipulate me into making a decision. And anyway - I think your 'time for rational thinking' passed long ago.  You are in Pon Farr and you are in barely holding on to civility, for which I'm grateful or I know I might be a bloody smear across the wall just now.  I'm going to release the controls when I feel like it and then we will head back to New Vulcan.  Together."

The doctor obviously was hoping to wait Spock's control out and wait until he could not pilot himself back to the sun on his own.  Spock rose from his seat and slowly stalked the younger man.  He may be an old man, but he was still Vulcan, he could force McCoy to do what he wanted and McCoy knew it.  It wouldn't even take physical force, a simple forced mind meld would force the doctor to release the controls and the matter would be moot.  He saw his fingers reaching out towards Leonard's face and suddenly he was another person.

 

_//He was a violent man, not by choice, but by necessity, he did what he had to in order to maintain his position on board the Enterprise.  One sign of weakness would be his undoing. And now here were his own shipmates acting very oddly - coming together in a group, conspiring - against him?  Did they plan his assassination?  He fought the group of men and Uhura valiantly, but a sudden pain in his head dropped him into darkness.  He woke, knew there was a man hovering nearby - McCoy.  Spock grabbed his arm and held it in a fierce grip, he felt the bones grinding and finally a small snap, the man gasped and turned pale, but did not stop staring at him as a sweat broke out.  He forced a meld on the man and found out it wasn't the ship's doctor at all, but some mirror universe version - he quickly divined their plan and decided how to proceed, but while he was in the other's head, he found himself enjoying the control and the feelings of fear, anger, regret, confusion, and betrayal//_

 

Spock's fingers halted inches from McCoy's face and then he spun around and threw himself down on the shuttle's floor, rocking, his hands on his own face.  He'd just relived the memories that the Mirror Universe Spock had felt whilst forcing a mindmeld on McCoy.  It had happened shortly after the Pon Farr, while he and McCoy were still friends, but distant after the incomplete bonding and Spock had (in human terms) broken off their relationship.  They were still bonded in a way - for the Pon Farr did not end without some sort of bond made and when McCoy had returned from the Mirror Universe Spock had instantly sensed the change in the doctor.  The fear, turned towards Spock as he reminded himself of the forced meld - a rape of the mind.  Spock had known instantly from the moment McCoy, supported by his shipmates was dragged off to sickbay that his own Mirror counterpart had damaged his T'hyla.  It had taken a long time for McCoy to trust him enough to allow Spock to try and repair the telepathic damage done to him.  Afterwards, he had let McCoy see the truth of how their bond still existed in their minds, how he wanted more from McCoy, not less - that he had ended the relationship out of courtesy for McCoy's aversion to a permanent bond - for the loss of privacy in one of the most private of men.

The memory of that violent version of himself, which McCoy had been forced to witness had thankfully stopped Spock from doing the same thing just a moment ago.  He had almost forced Leonard to do his bidding just as the man that had mind raped his counterpart in the other universe.  He was kidding himself that he was rational any longer.  He was in the burning phase - he was nearly out of control, he could not let such a thing happen again.  He rocked back and forth on the floor, desperately trying to ignore the other man staring at him helplessly.

"Spock?"

"Don't talk to me!  Do as I said, return us to New Vulcan.  I swear I will not steal the shuttle again - I will confine myself to my room and stay there.  But you must act quickly.  I do not want to chance hurting you.  Please," he begged.  He had no dignity anymore.  He had no right to dignity - to think of what he'd almost done to McCoy...no matter what his reasoning.

McCoy quickly ordered the shuttle back to New Vulcan, and commed the colony informing them of their return and that he did not know what condition Spock would be in when they returned, but to have a Starfleet medical team standing by and whatever the Vulcan healers deemed appropriate.  He would comm them again if there were complications.  Then he turned back to the Vulcan still rocking on the floor with his hands shielding his face.

What in the devil had just happened?  He knew from what Jim had told him and what the Vulcans had shared with them recently that Spock had been most likely about to perform a mindmeld.  He'd been inches away from the doctor and McCoy had to admit the look on Spock's face and the idea of his mind being invaded had scared him, but he hadn't done a thing when suddenly Spock's face had changed from determination to horror and Leonard could almost sense the sudden change in emotions and there was some glimpse in his own mind - a memory that had to be some flight of fancy - a bearded Spock, a feeling of sudden pain in his wrist, McCoy glanced down and realized he was rubbing said wrist absently and stopped.  What was this vision?  This feeling?  Did it have anything to do with the broken Vulcan at his feet.  The doctor in him shook it off and knelt, cautiously next to the quaking man, the shoulders were shaking and Leonard was surprised to find Spock was crying silently. 

"Spock?  Please talk to me, tell me what to do - I need to help you," he said quietly.  The gentle voice broke through Spock's meltdown, it seemed, he slowly stopped rocking and the tears slowly dried up.  Spock wrapped his arms around his legs and leaned against the bulkhead.

Spock looked down at his knees and refused to look up.  "You can help me by staying on the other end of the shuttle and hope we get back to New Vulcan in time.  I apologize for what I nearly did - I -" his voice broke.  "I nearly hurt you."

Leonard scooted back to the other side of the narrow shuttle, his own back to the wall, but it was far from the farthest point.  There were mere inches between their booted feet.  "But you didn't.  You were going to force me telepathically to talk to the computer?   You didn't seem ready to hit me, though I'd understand the impulse given my provocation so far.  The Pon Farr makes Vulcans act on impulse and emotion without their own choice or control - you know that.  I wouldn’t hold it against you."

Spock shook his head.  "I nearly committed one of the most grave crimes a Vulcan can commit - mindmelds are NEVER to be forced, and they can have devastating results, especially on humans," he finally looked up at the doctor.

Leonard suddenly understood, "That image in my head - that was you, in my mind, crushing my arm..." he rubbed the wrist again, damned if it didn't hurt faintly.

Spock watched this and seemed surprised.  "Not me - a version of me, just as a version of me exists on the Enterprise just now.  Another alternate universe - one far more violent...in that universe my counterpart hurt you...the memory of that - YOUR memory in that universe, the one I saw in your – your counterpart in my universe’s mind, the thoughts of that man...it stopped me.  I suppose I projected it and you experienced the memory.  I am sorry.  It is my profound hope that your encounter with that mirror universe does not happen in this one, but it might.  Just remember, I would never do that...in my right mind, not even my counterpart here - despite his anger and emotional loss of control on the bridge.  I feel - I **hope** \- it is an isolated event." 

He watched McCoy absorb this information and found himself staring into those blue eyes again, this time contemplative, thoughtful...he slowly found his eyes wandering down Leonard's body.  It was so young and the skin beneath the clothes must be so smooth and supple.  He wondered at the slight differences he might find alone together in bed - he broke off the thought and suddenly stood up to check the controls of the shuttle.

Everything was running smoothly and they should be back to New Vulcan within a half hour.  Plenty of time for him to shut himself up in his room and let nature take its course.  It would be a longer, far more protracted death, but he would endure it.  So much for a quick end.  He had endured such a painful, though not nearly as long of a death once before, he could do it again.  He did not remember his time in McCoy's mind as his T'hyla held his Katra, he suddenly wished he did, though.  He was told later by Kirk and a few others that his knowledge and even his own voice would come forth at times.  Fascinating.  How much of that had been because of their bond?   He had often wondered, but did not seek answers from the VSA - to do so would require much testing and contemplation on both their behalves and McCoy had never liked their relationship to be 'picked apart and studied like a science project.'  He'd simply been happy when they'd reconnected after Spock slowly recovered his memories and the bond renewed.  He remembered the first Pon Farr after his return and McCoy's mind and his binding closer than even before - perhaps deepened by the Katra experience. 

"What's a Katra?" McCoy asked.

Spock was again surprised as he turned the chair around to face the doctor still sitting on the ground; he _knew_ he hadn't projected that thought.  How could this be?  "How much of my thoughts are you hearing?" Spock asked him roughly.  His privacy was being invaded yet again.  And why wasn't he picking up on McCoy's thoughts?  Spock looked within himself and found he was shielding against McCoy heavily, but there was something like a hole in his own shields to keep things within...it should not be a problem with a human he wasn't bonded to - _this wasn't his McCoy_!

Leonard held his hands up, "I know I'm not your McCoy.  I can't help it - I hear you in my mind somehow - sometimes it's like a shout or a strong feeling and sometimes it's a whisper.  Sometimes an image, but they don't all make sense.  So, I ask again, what's a Katra?"

"Nothing you need worry about.  It is strictly between Vulcans and there is no need for medical explanations.  I apologize for the faintness of my shields - I did not realize I was projecting beyond my losses in control."

McCoy looked unhappy at the non-answer, but ignored it, "I don't mind it - it's just a little unsettling - and are you hearing MY thoughts?" he asked suddenly, flushing at the thought.

Spock shook his head, "No, I've been blocking you, especially since...well, there was an incident when I met you at the shuttle when you first arrived.  I do not believe it was your voice, but an echo of your counterpart's voice - something I still do not understand, but I reinforced my own block hoping to avoid such occurrences again.  Your thoughts are your own."

But now that the idea was in his head he found himself sorely tempted to know what McCoy was thinking - could the bond he had with his counterpart still be there?   Could he take a glimpse?  Normally such thoughts would not have reached conscious thought, but now...he found his impulse control weakening...he let down the shield against McCoy slightly.

And was suddenly imagining himself and McCoy rutting on the rug like animals, the two of them naked and rubbing each other, their sweat glistening, Spock's face was flushed green with pleasure - and was that a smile on his lips?  McCoy's eyes were squeezed shut in pleasure and he leaned down and suddenly kissed Spock, - 

Spock slammed the wall back up before he could finish the image.  He knew that some studies said the average human male thinks about sex every 7 seconds, though many other studies differed, it was true that a healthy virile young man like McCoy would think of sex regularly, but the astonishing aspect was that it was about HIM.  Could this young Leonard McCoy possibly find Spock's 155 year old body sexy in any way?  It was perhaps vanity on his part, but he knew he had kept his body healthy and fit despite his years and was not wholly undesirable to some - there had been quite a few much younger Vulcan women on the colony approach him, just as McCoy had hinted at - and not a few men, either.  But he had thought this more of an honorable or logical based interest.  Humans were usually far more concerned with superficial looks - at least at first - when considering mates. 

Kirk was a perfect example of that.  But, he had to be fair - his McCoy had not been so superficial, and he had seen inner beauty far more easily.  But the images that had just assaulted his senses - those were of the superficial sexual kind.  Perhaps it was only because McCoy had just thought of Spock's possible reading of his mind seconds earlier. Surely the image was one of those odd ones that popped into untrained human minds just because of their incongruity and because humans thought so much differently than Vulcans.  Or maybe because they were stuck alone in the shuttle and McCoy was a little on the desperate side. 

He had had his back to the doctor when he heard the 'fresher door open and shut just a moment before.  He suddenly realized what the doctor was likely doing at the moment and felt his own face flush a shade of green that probably matched McCoy's imagination.  He turned back to the controls - 20 minutes to New Vulcan.  Never before had he futilely wished for time to speed up, but he now understood the human sentiment.  Spock was finding himself more and more in need of his own 'fresher - only it wouldn't do any good if he _did_ have one.

Not for the first time he wished desperately his human half had more control over this aspect of his anatomy.  He would literally die of sexual frustration as well as mental lack of bonding. And at his age.  Spock allowed himself to feel shame for his lack of control of his own body.  If only it wasn't for the colony's situation...he hadn't needed anyone since Leonard died.  He had finally reached the age of maturity that he could decide for himself who he slept with or if he remained solitary.  And, naturally, he'd chosen a celibate life.  Without one's T'hyla, there was no point in the act.

The door to the 'fresher opened and Spock made it a point to be studying controls that needed no attention.  "Spock?" McCoy said in a tone the Ambassador hadn't heard from this counterpart before.  He recognized it, though. 

Slowly turning in his chair he saw McCoy had stripped his clothes and was standing there, erect and smiling seductively.  "Why don't we help you get a little more under control before we land?"  "I'm told a release in such a way could help you maintain have power over the urges temporarily and I know you don't want to be seen as emotional as you are right now..." he said in that way Leonard always had with him in such moments - part logic, part sarcasm, and a large part of seduction.

Feelings warred within him, the thought that this was being done out of pity almost made him stop, but he was so far sunk in Pon Farr, and the sight of McCoy obviously erect and willing. the images he'd just witnessed...he didn't register getting up and stripping off his own clothes, the next moment he was conscious of was the two of them doing almost exactly what McCoy had imagined, the reality was so much better.  He flipped McCoy over and straddled the man.  Panting heavily, he gave the man one last chance, even if he might not be able to honor it in reality, still he would try: "If you have changed your mind tell me now," he said roughly. 

McCoy lifted his head, not in defiance, but in proof, "Put your mind to my mind and see how sure I am.  I want you...and I need you.  Let yourself go and hurry.  We have little time before we have to be presentable again.  Foreplay can come later," he teased.

Spock knew deep inside McCoy had no real idea just what he was offering, but it was too late, he'd denied himself the need for too long, roughly he put his fingers on the meld points and sunk deep within McCoy's mind just as he sunk deep within his body.  Apparently the doctor had prepared himself for the physical joining, but the mental one left him gasping and there was hesitation.  Spock broke through it, promising not to hurt him,

 **_wouldneverhurthimT'hylaImissedyouIlovedyouIloveyoustillT'hylahowlongIhavewaitedtheachethegriefthelove_ ** ****

McCoy gasped again at the emotion and tears ran down his cheeks, Spock was only dimly aware that his relationship with the other McCoy was playing out in his head at a dizzying speed, he tried to halt it, but this Leonard wanted to know everything so he focused on trying to fulfill his promise and not hurt the fragile human beneath him physically, time stretched and had no meaning until finally he found himself gasping next to a sweaty sleeping McCoy and there was an annoying beeping sound.  The automatic landing sequence!

He pulled himself to his feet, he was no longer quite as limber as he'd once been, but he was grateful he did not feel the intense pain and stiffness humans would at his age.  He turned off the autopilot and settled the shuttle in an orbit.

He turned back to Leonard and realized the man was not simply sleeping, but was unconscious - he checked over his lover's body quickly and found it was not physical trauma, but perhaps the result of the uncontrolled bonding and the sheer volume of memories, feelings and thoughts that had come through the link.  He needed to take him to the Vulcan healers and quickly. 

Still, knowing McCoy's modesty (his recent nudity display notwithstanding), he gently dressed the man before landing manually on the planet near the new medical buildings.  There were several people waiting outside, Starfleet medical and Vulcan healers, just as McCoy had requested for Spock.  Seeing them made Spock swear in ancient Vulcan, the type of language only used before the teachings of Surak.  This was going to be an embarrassment to McCoy in the least, at the worst - a possible tragedy.  And he was responsible once more for failing - this time for failing to control himself until they reached the planet.  For possibly damaging Leonard permanently.

 

****

 

Leonard woke groggily and tried to sit up - the world spun out of control and he turned his head to the side and heaved.  A cool hand was steadying his head and a plastic bin had made it under his mouth just in time.  Someone, whoever it was, was obviously expecting this reaction.  He felt drugged and hated the feeling, a hand, the same one (?) smoothed back his bangs and he felt his mind clear slightly, the world righting itself a bit.  He blinked and tried to focus and found himself looking up at T'Larsk, one of the healers he had met earlier when he first arrived.

"You are in the medical facility and are suffering some side effects from the bonding.  This doesn't usually have such severe effects, but it is my understanding that some of the consequences may be the vast differences in ages and the unknown ramifications of being bonded by one of an alternate universe.  Ambassador Spock was checked over and released to his room against medical advice." 

McCoy tried to sit up again and managed to do so, though the dizziness returned.  "He was planning to either fly into a sun or let the Pon Farr kill him.  Tell me - is he still in Pon Farr?" he asked weakly.

T'Larsk seemed hesitant to answer.  He glanced over his shoulder at the other healers and doctors - all seemed busy with a pair of births taking place.

"Please tell me, I'll be leaving against medical advice, too, unless you do and find out myself."

"He is.  But the effects were lessened somewhat - he had control of his shields for the moment and I could not stop him short of restraining him to the bed and it is his own choice as to his wishes in this matter.  We cannot force him to bond with another - and his bonding with you, incomplete as it is, would interfere anyway."

McCoy swung his legs over the bed and looked around for his boots. 

"I do not recommend continuing the bonding as you did on the shuttle, Dr." T'Larsk said frankly.

Leonard blushed.  "Then tell me how to do this properly - help me save his life.  I don't think he really wants to die - he just doesn't want anyone else - and I think I had convinced him to bond with me, but we messed up a little.  It was overwhelming the amount of time covered in the meld and the emotions...I never knew the depth Vulcans felt."

T'Larsk didn't seem to appreciate the last remark, but nodded anyway, bowing to the logic, "It is true - it can be overwhelming to the human mind in the most ideal circumstances.  Yours was not ideal.  I have contacted T'Pau and I believe she and Sarek are speaking with him right now.  We hope to find a way to resolve this matter.  As your healer, I must ask you - do you wish to continue the bond and all it entails?  I know your duty is back aboard the Enterprise and the Ambassador, until recently, felt his home was here.  Long distance bonds are quite possible, though, if one is harmed the other will feel it and if one dies unexpectedly, it can harm the other bondmate, though not irreparably with intervention.  So long as the bond is formally registered and performed, the bond should remain stable and cause no harm to either party."

Leonard smiled, "You know, T'Larsk, if I didn't know better, I'd say you're trying to talk me into this," he held out a hand to forestall T'larsk's denials. "No, no, I do **now** have a good idea of what I'm getting myself into and I do wish to continue.  I can't explain it really, I have only physically known him in this universe for a short time, but when we melded," and here he blushed again, why did talking of a meld to a Vulcan seem down right dirty?, "…when we melded I experienced the Spock of that universe - and the bond we - the other McCoy shared and I **want** that.  He needs me and now, damn it, excuse my language, I need him, too...there is too much love and respect and I know the loneliness...I need him." he finished simply.

T'Larsk seemed as happy as a Vulcan could at that statement.  Ambassador Spock meant a great deal to these people, McCoy realized, and they wanted him to be here - alive and well.  And logic be damned, they _were_ an emotional people and Leonard firmly believed they wanted Spock to be happy.  Something Spock never would likely see for himself, coming from the universe he did - but on this planet, in this colony and in this universe, perhaps Vulcans were becoming a bit more emotional.  Whether that was a tragedy to the Elders or not, McCoy couldn't help being glad the younger ones weren't quite so repressed.  Good or bad, emotions needed expressing, not repressing from his psychological background.  Perhaps humans could teach them a bit and Vulcans could teach humans a little in control in return.  There might be a paper there...

Now to go find _his_ old crotchety Vulcan, he though with a sly grin.  He slipped out when T'Larsk was called away and he walked over to Spock's quarters.  Even if he had to deal with Spock's father and T'Pau, he was ready to deal with this bonding ritual the way it needed to be done.  Just how he was going to explain all this to Jim someday - he had no clue. 

Or the other Spock...oh jeez, he didn't even want to contemplate THAT one.

McCoy shoved the thought into the back of his mind, squared his shoulders and continued his journey.  He'd deal with it the fallout when he had to.

 

*****


End file.
